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15 Reasons You Won’t Win ‘American Idol’

American Idol Season 9 Auditions – Inside
David Banks, Getty Images

Another season of ‘American Idol’ is nearing an end and it’s got fans of reality and music television all asking the same question: “How long before ‘The Voice’ comes back?”

If you think you have what it takes to be music’s next superstar, then, by all means, go to an audition the next time the Fox show comes near your neck of the woods. However, the odds are clearly stacked against you, so here are some ways you can tell that you won’t join the ranks of Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and David Cook:

1. Your performance attracted a record number of stray cats into the crowd.

2. Steven Tyler doesn’t get quite as aroused around you when he crushed the dreams of the other contestants.

3. You kept asking the producers when you’ll be required to start an affair with Paula Abdul.

4. The “dawg” that Randy was referring to was the one he thought was howling after being hit by a Buick while you were singing.

5. You told the producers that the part of the experience you were most looking forward to was the chance to meet Cee Lo Green.

6. The judges kept asking if you needed an ambulance during your performance.

7. The only endorsement deal you were offered after appearing on the show was as the “before model” for a Sucrets commercial.

8. You listed your personal musical idol as “Milli and/or Vanilli.”

9. You asked if you could use a lifeline.

10. You insisted that you’re almost certain the show offers its contestants lifelines.

11. You almost got into a knife fight with the judges over whether or not you’re allowed to use lifelines.

12. The only job being offered to you after your performance was as your hometown’s tornado siren.

13. You were the only person on a Fox broadcast to have their mic turned off live on the air who wasn’t being interviewed by Bill O’Reilly.

14. Jennifer Lopez said you’ve got the range and moves of a ‘young Elvis’ and the frame and body odor of the ‘Old Elvis.’

15. You’ve got style, wit and a unique personality that makes you a positive role model for children and there’s no room for that in the music business.

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