Nintendo Celebrates The Launch Of Super Mario 3D Land
There are all sorts of dangerous and tedious jobs in the world: oil firefighter, Navy SEAL, Donald Trump’s hair wrangler. One group of very hard and dedicated workers, though, who never get their due are video game characters.
Day in and day out, these icons perform dangerous and monotonous duties that shorten the length of their life (or lives) by mere minutes, simply for our entertainment. So we talked to some of the gaming world’s most famous icons and faces and gave them a chance to vent their digital frustrations.
1. Pac-Man: Medicare won’t cover power pellets.
2. Lara Croft from Tomb Raider: Can’t talk about “getting some bigger guns” to guys without hearing suppressed giggling.
3. Master Chief from Halo: Power armor really chafes in the crotch.
4. Sonic the Hedgehog: Everyone makes me go on a beer run for them.
5. Random crime victim from Grand Theft Auto: The cops around here are so inefficient and incapable of solving crimes, the Sanford PD in Florida keeps hiring them.
6. The princess from Super Mario Brothers: Mario’s “plumber snake” hasn’t been able to get the job done in years.
7. Luigi: My dumb brother Mario always gets to the good mushrooms before me.
8. Donkey Kong: Nintendo won’t me fling “something else” at Mario other than barrels.
9. Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat: Chronic shrinkage.
10. Zombie from Left 4 Dead: Survivors are always fit and skinny and never someone like Rush Limbaugh, who can’t run more than 10 feet without getting winded and lasts as leftovers for a family of five for at least a month.
11. The Red Angry Bird: Can’t get any chicks, thanks to the freakin’ bird flu.
12. The ball in Pong: Only Mitt Romney spends more time going “back and forth from one side to the other” than I do.