Nic Cage is in a new movie that opened today called ‘Left Behind.’ There’s already a movie called ‘Left Behind’ that starred Kirk Cameron and this movie is probably a lot like that one, only Nic Cage is in it now. ‘Left Behind’ details the biblical rapture and what it would be like if the rapture happened while Nic Cage was piloting a commercial airliner. If ‘Left Behind’ was screened for critics, I wasn’t invited. So, on Friday morning I paid to see ‘Left Behind’ in the Kip’s Bay area of Manhattan. While watching ‘Left Behind,’ I kept a running diary. Here’s how that all went…

10:54 a.m.: There are four other people in this theater watching ‘Left Behind.’

10:58 a.m.: Four new people who all seem to be friends just walked in and they all look very excited.

11:04 a.m.: ‘Left Behind’ begins with a pleasant elevator music score. What is this?

11:05 a.m.: A portrait of the family is shown and Nic Cage is so obviously airbrushed in that I laughed out loud. I bet that, to this day, Cage has never met Lea Thompson.

11:06 a.m.: It took two minutes for us to get to the first Bible quote.

11:06 a.m.: Two characters at an airport are arguing about the existence of God.

11:08 a.m.: Oh my gosh this score is terrible! It sounds like generic ‘80s sitcom music.

11:10 a.m.: Nic Cage just delivered the line, “holy cow.”

11:11 a.m.: I have my suspicions that this is the original ‘Left Behind’ and Nic Cage has just been superimposed in.

11:13 a.m.: “If she’s going to run away with another man, why not Jesus?” – line of dialogue from Nic Cage.

11:14 a.m.: The gist here is that it’s Nic Cage’s birthday and his daughter, Chloe, who is home from college, is mad he has to fly a plane to London instead of spending time with her and her mom, played by Lea Thompson.

11:15 a.m.: Chad Michael Murray is in this movie. He plays a famous journalist who everyone at the airport is excited to meet.

11:17 a.m.: Nic Cage and the flight attendant are having an affair.

11:19 a.m.: Nic Cage and the flight attendant are excited because they have U2 tickets.

11:20 a.m.: Every conversation in this movie so far involves God or U2.

11:20 a.m.: I bet Nic Cage’s character was excited about the free U2 album.

11:23 a.m.: I can’t get over this score.

11:24 a.m.: An elderly woman with dementia on the airplane just confused Chad Michael Murray’s character with Frank Sinatra. I’m so confused.

11:26 a.m.: This is a really surreal experience, watching a production this cheap looking, then every now and then an Academy Award winning actor shows up.

11:27 a.m.: This movie is boring.

11:29 a.m.: Chloe returns home and Lea Thompson hands her a glass of lemonade and immediately starts talking about the upcoming rapture.

11:32 a.m.: I wish everyone in this move would disappear.

11:36 a.m.: The people finally disappeared. I’m going to predict that there will be no VFX awards for that scene.

11:38 a.m.: I wonder if U2 is OK.

11:38 a.m.: I bet The Edge is still with us.

11:40 a.m.: “I don’t know if this event was isolated to our aircraft.” – dramatic line of dialogue from Nic Cage.

11:41 a.m.: A car just crashed through a window and almost hit Chloe.

11:44 a.m.: A Cessna just fell from the sky and almost hit Chloe.

11:45 a.m.: A school bus just fell from the sky and almost hit Chloe.

11:47 a.m.: Most of the people left behind are thieves.

11:50 a.m.: A woman on the plane announces that she knows what happened, then she gets up and goes to the lavatory.

11:51 a.m.: The elderly woman with dementia was left behind, but her husband who took care of her was taken. I’m sure she’ll be fine.

11:52 a.m.: There is a Muslim man on the plane and I bet you can guess if he was left behind or not.

11:53 a.m.: The Muslim man suggests to the other passengers that they all pray. Another man asks him, “Whose God, yours or mine?” I want to leave.

11:55 a.m.: The plane just collided with another plane.

11:58 a.m.: I bet U2 takes ‘Until the End of the World’ off of their set list tonight due to sensitivity reasons.

12:00 p.m.: There’s no real plot to this movie. After the people disappear, everyone just walks around with a ¯_(ツ)_/¯ look.

12:03 p.m.: Chad Michael Murray just entered the cockpit and dramatically told Nic Cage, “We’re on fire.” Nic Cage had no reaction. I, on the other hand, laughed out loud.

12:08 p.m.: The passengers have a theory that the people who disappeared are just invisible.

12:10 p.m.: Lea Thompson disappeared while she was showering. At least she was clean.

12:11 p.m.: Chloe just threw a bible out of the window.

12:12 p.m.: Nic Cage realizes this was the rapture because the non-mistress flight attendant who disappeared had a daily planner and an upcoming entry read, “Bible study!!!”

12:12 p.m.: Jordin Sparks is in this movie and she has a gun. She just threatened to “blow someone’s face off.”

12:14 p.m.: Nic Cage thought this was an appropriate time to tell the flight attendant that he is married.

12:15 p.m.: A pastor explains to Chloe that the people who were taken were being protected. I can only assume they are being protected from ever having to see ‘Left Behind.’

12:21 p.m.: Nic Cage was told he can’t land his plane at JFK. He barks, “What about LaGuardia?” and he’s turned down. Even during the rapture flying into New York is impossible.

12:26 p.m.: Nic Cage has a special satellite phone. That means he probably didn’t get the free U2 album after all.

12:33 p.m.: Chloe is building a runway for her dad to land. This is really happening.

12:36 p.m.: There’s a steamroller blocking her runway and she’s trying to move it but it’s comically slow and it’s making me laugh. It reminds me of the scene where Austin Powers tries to turn his cart around in that tight hallway.

12:42 p.m.: Chloe just lit the runway on fire so that her dad could see it. Nic Cage then flies the plane through a huge fireball.

12:45 p.m.: “You did a great job,” Nic Cage just said to his former flight attendant mistress with not one hint of emotion.

12:45 p.m.: They are talking about the U2 concert again.

12:49 p.m.: A ‘Left Behind’ song starts playing over the end credits, it is not performed by U2.

12:50 p.m.: A man in front of me leaving the theater is openly weeping. He’s doing everything he can do to compose himself. I wish Nic Cage were here.

Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and GQ. He is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

More From KLAW-FM