Once in a great while, a video comes along that is so utterly perfect, there is no choice but to share it with the world. This deeply unsettling, erotically-charged industrial film for Sizzler restaurants is just one of those videos.

It comes from 1991, just as the restaurant chain was rebranding and reintroducing itself to America, and just as America's love affair with hairspray and Dockers hit a tawdry peak.

Below are just some of the questions raised by this promotional video. It probably also explains why you can no longer find Sizzler restaurants west of the Rocky Mountains.

And if your wondering if this epic video infomercial swayed the eating habits of John & Joan America....five years later, facing yearly losses of over $1 million a year, Sizzler filed for bankruptcy.

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    What is he really saying?

    What the narrator says from 1:15 to 1:35 is the most upbeat and patriotic way of saying "The rising cost of living is forcing both men and women to work long hours, and this youth-obesity epidemic isn't going to start itself."

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    The Buffet Court gets a hard sell throughout. "A whole experience on its own, where you create delicious combinations just the way you want them."

    Yes! Delicious combinations of things that have been sitting!

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    mmmmmm Gummy Bears

    What do you think Sizzler wine tastes like? "Hot yellow Gummi Bears," probably, right? Do you think they call it Wizzler?

    I would.

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    Maybe the wine was peach

    The color palette in this video is very peach. Alarmingly peach. Golden Girls lanai peach. Is this supposed to stimulate appetite?

    It does not.

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    Breakfast of Champions

    It's morning in America; let's eat some fried shrimp. We begin with a cross-section of the United States, a visual roll-call of the types of people who will gravitate to The New Sizzler. And it's diverse! (Unless you mean ethnically!) Whether you're an elderly man in a hard hat, a young Teri Garr playing baseball, or a grizzled sea captain who has abducted a child, Sizzler is the place for you to eat reasonably-priced steaks, "Klab" brand imitation crab meat and tired, wilted salads.

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    Nobody will know

    Does anyone besides me get the feeling that while the couple sneaking the kiss may have been married, it probably just wasn't to each other?

    Was it her husband she thought she saw? His wife? No matter? They've seen her. The jig is up; they might as well keep necking over this Sizzlin' Steak and Malibu Chicken Combo.

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    ....and more cowbell

    At 1:55: "Americans want value."

    Apparently Americans also want sundaes that have been sitting out for a while, cereal in those sad glass hexagon things and sneeze-guards.

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    More lips Debi

    Okay. We must address the lip-lick that begins at 2:16 and lasts forever.

    How many takes do you think they shot of that? How many more subtle ones did Debi (ok, you and I both know her name is Debi; we all know it) give them before she got fed up and threw believability to the wind?

    How many times did the director say "Bigger, Debi. Bigger"? Did she ever eat another ice-cream sundae after this shoot? Or does she only eat ice-cream sundaes?

    These are questions America needs answered!

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    The Sweet Smell of...

    What do you think the set of this infomercial smelled like? Drakkar Noir, Aqua Net and onion rings?


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    And we end on the desperate smiles of the fake waitstaff and a bone-chilling stage-whispered "Sizzzzler," like we've just been told a horrible secret about our own past, which one could argue that we have.

    Japanese horror movies end on less disturbing notes.

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